


Break Me, Fix Me

by LadyTheWarrior



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Angry Kylo Ren, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Dark Rey, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gray Jedi Rey, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Rey, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Lightsabers, Prince Ben Solo, Protective Kylo Ren, Reylo - Freeform, Reylo Week, Saberstaff, Top Kylo Ren, Virgin Kylo Ren, reverse Anidala, slight romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-17 06:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13653357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyTheWarrior/pseuds/LadyTheWarrior
Summary: Set after TLJ- Rey is still in the Falcon with the remaining of the Resistance. She tries to fix the broken Lightsaber but she doesn't know how to do that. She definitely needs a teacher on that and a teacher will come with a lot of confrontation. [ReyLo]





	1. Chapter 1

_**Ch01** _

The broken Lightsaber was resting in her lap. It had been six hours now that Rey had locked herself in a room. Isolated from everybody else. She said she wanted to rest but sleep was out of the question. Not that she wasn't tired but there was a lot on her mind. She was restless, all sort of thoughts swirling in her brain. A lot of unsaid words and alternative options. It was hard not thinking about  _him_. She had to busy herself somehow or else she was going to go crazy. That's why she picked up the pieces, knowing next to zero about laser swords didn't help much and here she thought she was good at fixing broken things. All her life, she was scavenging through the desert, finding pieces of trash, sometimes keeping them, cleaning them and putting them together. Now though… she was at lost.

The feeling was new to her.  _Complicated._  But that was probably the result of all the other feelings piled up on her heart. Of course, the recent scratch of a memory, coming from the Lightsaber wasn't at all distracting. She was just unable to focus. Flickering through the Jedi texts, she ought to find some tips about fixing a Lightsaber. It couldn't be that hard. She was now supposed to be a Jedi. The thought turned her stomach. It was foreign, unfamiliar… surreal. It sounded wrong, she wasn't supposed to be the last Jedi. She wasn't these people's last hope. But people looked up to her as some sort of an intergalactic heroine … and it was… it was all too much.

Sighing in frustration, Rey let go of the metallic pieces of the Lightsaber, leaving them on the ground as she started pacing across the room. She used to feel alone now though it wasn't just loneliness. She'd never felt this burdened before. She could barely hold on.

"I can't be what they want…" She whispered to the empty room. Suddenly feeling this urge to let go of everything and run somewhere far far away. Something stung in her chest as she remembered the throne room. She tried so hard to forget it, waving it as a passing thought. But she couldn't. She just had to ask herself,  _was that what Ben always felt?_  She didn't know. In that moment when he stood there, hand stretched to her, she was so drawn in thinking about saving her friends, she didn't even try to comprehend his feelings. Rejecting Ben, going for the Lightsaber… it was the right decision, wasn't it? It felt so right in that moment now though –

Her eyes diverted back to the two pieces, she wasn't so sure anymore. And the worse thing was that she couldn't even talk to anyone about this. It tugged at her heart again, the feeling of loneliness and loss. She sought answers and there was no one there to provide her any. Not even… _Ben._

She shook her head at the thought like it was a forbidden, bad idea. He was their enemy. It was getting more obvious by second that he'd fallen too far to be saved. Rey tried to convince herself that it was too late, that not everyone could be saved but… but the look, he'd given her, the last time the Force connected them— his eyes were so different.

Like the Lightsaber, broken into pieces.

Gingerly she walked to where she'd left them on the floor, sitting cross-legged and holding the pieces. Perhaps if only she could talk to him again, he would understand why she'd done it.

But it wasn't possible anymore.

With Snoke gone, there was no way they would be connected again.  _Perhaps that was for the better_ , she thought, disappointed and digging into her toolbox, picking out a screwdriver, she started unscrewing the back of the metallic halt. She didn't need to see him, not after all he said. In another battle perhaps, they had to face each other, she thought bitterly, her chest tightening, her heart aching.

Her fingers stopped fiddling with the sword, suddenly her breath hitched and for a split second, she thought her heart even stopped beating at the sudden connection. Her eyes immediately shot up to look at the lone silhouette at the far end of the room.

"Ben…" The words came out unconsciously. His back was faced to her. wearing all black, his hands clasped together behind his back. Rey swallowed thickly. It was so good to see— no… it was weird to see him again.

"Why is the force still connecting us?" Rey asked, trying to sound reluctant but she was curious. He didn't flinch. As if he was only a statue. Not even breathing. Rey rubbed her eyes to see if she was just seeing things or he was really there, like a ghost, haunting her. Slowly standing up, she walked to him, standing a few feet away as he finally let

out a deep breath.

"You betrayed me—" The hoarse, tired voice had had to belong to him, confirming that she wasn't dreaming. But the tone… it sounded familiar, when he called Luke the first time, she could feel the same vulnerability in his voice. Of course, he felt that way.

Rey hung her head, trying to swallow a cry. " I didn't. " Her answer was firm but not very certain.

"You did… " he finally turned, looking behind the shallow eyes as he hadn't had slept in days. A part of her knew why. "You wanted to kill me. " He spat the words, fury slowly crawling up to his throat and the veins on his neck popping out.

She wanted to say that was because they were still enemies and nothing had changed and he was still a heartless monster but no… it wasn't the truth. And she didn't want to hurt him further. "My friends were in danger. " She finally said, her face a mixture of regret and uncertainty that she couldn't hide.

"You called the lightsaber—" Ben continued as if he couldn't even hear her, eyes now softening, the recent fury only a shadow behind his eyes, he was also curious as to why. Visions of the First Order shooting at the Resistance fleet, clouded her mind. She thought she had Ben, that he was going to help her stop them from firing but no… she was flustered, she was angry.

"The First Order was destroying their ship. They were dying. " She answered a little louder than she intended to, her muscle tensing up, she looked away from him.

"You would do that… " He said softly, taking a step to her. " After all those visions that we've seen… you would still kill me… " He thought he was stating some facts like he knew what was going on in

her confused mind. Hell, even she didn't know what she was thinking and here he acted like he knew everything.

She wondered if she knew how to reply. that It was all pure instinct in that moment. She didn't even know what to do with the Lightsaber if it ever ended up in her hands,  _would she truly kill him?_

"I wouldn't. " She looked up, her bright brown eyes locked with his dark ones. There was no anger left in them. There was only sadness. Rey could see the pain he held inside, just blazing in his dark brown eyes.

"Why?" He looked so defeated, so pained as he gazed at her, trying to mask his emotions, trying to keep her out but oh… didn't he know how he was just pulling her in?

She was lost in feelings she knew didn't belong to her and despite herself; she took a step closer to him. "Why what?" She asked like he once asked her and saw him retreating, clenching and unclenching his fist.

"Why did you fight with me?" He asked, genuinely confused.

She ought to know the answer. She remembered the forest. All the hatred and anger after witnessing Han Solo's murder, she still felt the tinge of that. But not like before, not with him in her head. "Because I thought you would turn, you should have—" She straightened her posture, a look of confidence on her face but it soon was replaced with something else. "Why didn't you come with me?"

Faded amusement, playing in his eyes. " And what if I'd come?" He snorted, "You're naïve, thinking there is a difference between light and dark," Then again the cold, stone-hard face came back as he deadpanned, "There isn't. "

"I will only protect my friends," Rey felt her eyes stinging and Ben's image became blurry. She swallowed again, frowning.

"Your friends will disappoint you—" Ben stated calmly, his voice soothing like a lullaby but the words he said, cut like blades. "Just like your parents."

He was doing it again, just like the throne room. It wasn't like that he couldn't fathom the depth of her grief, it was just that he was well aware of that and it hurt him too, she could see it destroying him from the inside yet, he still fiddled with the wound, causing it to hurt even more. A tear ran on her cheek, as she remembered the forest, how he tried to numb the wound in his side.  _Through pain._

"Stop it…" She murmured as he widened his eyes as if he couldn't really comprehend what she just said. " Please Ben—" Her voice weak and almost inaudible. "You talk about letting go of the past but you're the one who is holding on to it… you are the one who can't forget—"

"The only way is to kill it all." Ben interrupted, the words hanging in the air above them as she nodded.

"No—" She said, " You know that's not true." It didn't work. It never worked. Han was still haunting him, Luke too.

The silence that followed was deafening. Ben didn't reply and he supposedly wasn't even thinking because she didn't hear anything. It was just void and a force so strong, swirling inside and out of them. She decided it was no use now, staring at him and waiting. That's why she took a step back and finally turned on her heels and went to where she'd left the pieces of Lightsaber on the ground.

"I need to fix this—"She shook her head looking for the screwdriver, " I don't know how though. The metal container is completely useless, I can't seem to fix it and even if I do, I don't know if it's going to be strong enough to contain the gem's energy."

It took a while before Ben takes a step and then several to her, gazing at the Lightsaber and then at her before sitting down cross-legged in front of her. " Have you ever built a Lightsaber before? " He asked almost rhetorically.

Rey frowned, looking skeptical. " No, but I used to build my own weapons."

"This isn't going to work," He pointed at the broken halt, disappointed." You're going to need a new halt, a blade emitter shroud, and emitter matrix." He tilted his head, looking inside the broken piece and taking a glance at the broken crystal, he raised his dark eyebrows. "It's broken."

"Yeah," Rey replied weakly before clearing her throat. "But there needs to be a way to fix it."

Ben didn't reply immediately, his eyes were focused on the hilt and for the first time, he didn't even raise a finger to try and take if from her. He was deep in thought, carefully examining the problem at hand. And she saw him for the first time, not angry, not frustrated or disappointed or lost but he looked thoughtful, calm and confident. It was strange she felt at ease being in his presence, just like that night in the cave, when she felt his compassion. She tried not to stare but it was hard to keep her hands away from his wavy dark black locks.

"With the cracked crystal your blade would be unstable and dangerous," He ran a hand through his hair and pushed them back. "You need to build a hilt so it would project a blade from both ends."

She perked at that, smiling widely. "Like a staff… a uh… " putting a finger on her bottom lip, she continued. " A Saberstaff."

"Yeah." His eyes now reading right into hers. It was weird, wishing that it was all different. He was supposed to be here, with his mother and everyone else. Perhaps then he could even teach her, let her know of the different ways to the force and how to fight like a real warrior.

"I'm sorry." She caught him off guard. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that. " It wasn't pitiful but understanding and real and as much as Ben hated someone, especially her, bring out his vulnerability. He couldn't help but stay still, till she was finished. "This place… " She waved her hand in the air, they were still in the falcon but she didn't have to say it out loud, " You're a part of it." surely they were going to work it out, Ben was still general Leia's son and no matter what crimes he'd committed, he could be redeemed and forgiven.

"No." She watched him shaking his head like he was trying to get rid of some kind of a bad idea. "I know what you're thinking. It's not going to be easy." He got on his feet, stepping back.

"But I'll help you." Rey mimicked his movements, standing up, taking a step closer but he looked away. The tension building up in him.

"You can't." taking a deep breath, he finally looked at her. Cold, dark eyes returning and suddenly he was Kylo Ren again. "No one can."

And with that he was gone, leaving her with a dry throat and eyes that stung and heart that was tearing her chest apart.  _Why did she care?_  Her eyes stumbled back on the Lightsaber.  _Why would she even want him to come back?_


	2. 02

Ch02

Kylo found himself in a familiar place, swirling within the successive dark waves that sucked him in and overflowed him at the same time and in their midst he melted away. It was once nightmares, clawing at his soul but it became a habitat. A place full of anger that fueled his hated while he was pushed by the swelling inky waves and he lost himself in a constant battle between light and dark and tried to let go.

This time, however, he felt something, something different and unexpected but familiar. He stopped and listened. At first, it was nothing but then he heard it. The wail of a girl resonated through the rough water. Her shouts of agony and fear grew louder by seconds. Dark whispers swirled around him, pointing him to the direction of a lone small figure. It was _her._  

“Rey…”

Kylo startled, struggling to swim beside her. Helpless. Useless. Powerless. He strained against the strong undertow and pushed forward. Shadows, Dark ones, light ones swirled around him and then dove down to Rey’s sinking body. They surrounded her while others flowed back and forth to fight the tide. Kylo pushed, panicked. _What was she doing here? Why?_   Her body was arched back, screaming soundlessly but it was deafening, heart-wrenching. He wanted to help her but the waves were moving in circular shapes, limiting his movements, snaking around his waist and hands and legs until he couldn’t breathe and felt like choking.

Struggling. Moving.

All in vain.

Next, he was on the shore, breathing heavily, gasping for air. The darkness remained, cold on his skin. He coughed and gagged, then on his shaky legs he stood looking over the ocean. Muffled screams, came from the depths of darkness. _Why was she here?_   Kylo could see her, still struggling, still drowning. He didn’t move this time. Perhaps then she would know. His heart was pounding in his chest, telling him to go to her… to… to save her.

The waves pushed her close to the shore, pushed her away, toying with her as she swallowed dark water, spitting out, trying to get a hold of something. A stone, a branch, something to save herself.

_Nothing._

Kylo watched her. “Give up Rey!” He shouted, his voice echoing in the empty space, repeating itself a thousand times. “It’s easier this way!” He watched her beneath the waves, still fighting against the flow. He wasn’t enjoying this, he was petrified, thinking how weak she’d become. She just had to accept it, perhaps it would hurt less when they both shared the same wound.  “Just let go…” He uttered slowly but then her voice hit him like a lightning.

“NO!” A second he could swear he saw her near the shore and the next she was far away gone. He could sense the pain that seethed through her already torn body. Looking shocked, he strained his neck, looking past the waves. She wasn’t there.  A sudden thought struck him as he took a step closer, looking at the angry waves, before taking a deep breath and diving in.

“Rey!”

Kylo turned with the tide, sensing Rey’s presence more than truly seeing her. He stretched his arms, his fingers brushing against the fabric of her dress before finally get a hold of her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulling her against him. Her eyes were closed, body still, so very still. Pulling her up to the surface, he got her to fresh air.

Then she coughed and hacked and turned onto her side to spew out the ocean she’d consumed. He then put his right hand under her neck, with another hand gently brushing her wet hair away from her face as her eyelashes started fluttering open. She was fascinating. Something, something about her drew him in. It was warm, soothing.

She looked at him with a face of confusion and a hint of fear that didn’t last long. Slowly realizing where she was. Safe on the shore… with him, she understood, leaving him light and fluid.

“Thank you. “ Said Kylo from somewhere down in the depths of his subconscious, the words came tumbling as her face softened, smiling. He couldn't be saved, he was far too gone to even but it felt good to save someone else, much better than wanting her to drown just to be at his side.

He slowly opened his eyes, still in bed, alone in a dark room at the First Order’s base. He pushed the blanket away, feeling warm and strangely content. Closing his eyes, He thought that for the first time in many years, he might be getting a few hours of dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I decided to play with subconsciousness a little and bring out the symbolic elements to explore more into their relationship. Kylo still feels irredeemable but that's not the point of this story, we never know if he truly has redeemed yet or not. And also yeah we didn't have any lightsaber fixing in this chapter because I wanted to try something different with him. He probably won't be mentioning this to Rey, and we never know if Rey too had the same dream still though I think he's finding his way, feeling content and warm saving Rey from the same darkness that he thinks had drowned him.
> 
> Anyway ... I enjoy writing this and I hope you do as well,  
> Let me know what you think 
> 
> Cheers,  
> Bella


	3. Chapter 3

 

Rey couldn't think straight, she just had a fight with Poe. More like an argument really but she didn't know why she felt so angry. She'd never felt this way before. It started as an internal conflict and then turned to frustration and after that just rage. She yelled at him in a meeting telling him that she didn't feel right about the decisions they were taking. She didn't think running was going to fix anything; that it would, of course, put more people in danger. The First Order would find them anyway, might as well face them before it's too late.

Leia wouldn't agree with her, asking her to politely leave the meeting, and she just huffed and threw some papers and left. That wasn't her. She didn't know how to deal with all these new feelings and honestly, it made her friends worried or even scared, whatever they'd like to call it. She'd rather be left alone at this point.

She sat on the floor of her room again, took the transistor, looking in the toolbox for a metal vacuum tube; her staff's components lay open on the floor as she tried to build a container that would fit in the middle of the staff. It didn't.

Letting out a frustrated blow, she bent over the large open book. It was one of the Jedi texts, written of course in an unknown ancient language, the only one actually that had some information about Lightsabers and she couldn't read it, hopefully, there were some pictures which would give her a clue but that was it.

She couldn't do it. It was out of her league. Why didn't Luke try to at least teach her about the Lightsabers?  _Argh!_  She hated that old man. In fact, she hated everything now to the point that she would want to open the Falcon's electronic door and jump into the outer space!

"You need a smaller tube."

She almost jumped to her feet, startled by the deepness of a voice. Standing with shoulders slightly crouched over her, his massive shadow completely swallowing her small form in the dim light of the room.

"Jeez, Ben!" She must have been too occupied not to realize his presence. Damn that Force, always connecting them in unexpected times!

He didn't seem to care at all, staring at the pieces of tools in her hands, he explained calmly, "The metallic tube you're using won't fit, you need a smaller one so you could put enough pressure on the crystal for the energy to burst out."

She looked him in the eyes. Something radiated from him, something soothing and calm and it wasn't just because of his soft brown eyes or how relaxed his posture seemed to be. It was pleasant but strange as if it wasn't supposed to be that way. "I know!" She said testily, her fingers slightly trembling as she inspected the tube, "I need a metal lathe."

Rey caught him looking, no... more like observing something extraordinary, he had a quizzical look on his face, which reminded her of the force when their swords were crossed.

"What's wrong?" Asked Ben as kindly as he could. It was almost laughable to think that Kylo ren could act all nice too. Or perhaps it wasn't Kylo but Ben speaking. Too bad she wasn't in the mood to ponder on it much, she felt surprisingly calmer with him in the room but still it wasn't enough.

"Nothing." She retorted, taking a step back. He was too close for her to think straight.

"You're fidgeting," He stated bluntly, jerking his head to her fingers, "You're obviously nervous."

"Oh great," She threw her hands in the air in exasperation, teasing" Kylo ren's a therapist now?"

"Fine…" Ben answered coolly, clasping his hands behind his back and giving her the personal space she apparently needed.

But that seemed to make it even worse, as Rey let the tube fall on the ground, wincing, she took a deep breath before starting, "No it's not fine! Okay?" pressing her lips together,"I can't stay here and pretend that everything's fine! That stupid Jedi book is untranslatable and your uncle—" She pointed an accusing finger to him, " was absolutely a lousy teacher and don't let me start with the Resistance and some of their stupid agendas— " She stopped midsentence, swallowing the words she so badly wanted to spit, she wasn't supposed to. Ben… Kylo… wasn't a friend. "I shouldn't be telling you these."

A flash of amusement passed Ben's eyes as he used his height and size to maneuver her. "You need a teacher." It wasn't a question, Rey realized this guy never really asked something he just assumed that he knew things like a truly arrogant prince, and that made her a lot more frustrated.

"No… no… " She retreated another step, raising her hand as a warning, " Don't start this again."

But he was just getting started,  _wasn't he?_  He didn't seem to be taking her seriously in that moment, because he didn't stop, pushing her until her back was against a wall. His mouth twitched on a smile that he didn't want to give, "Ah you do."

Rey felt her face heating up, he could easily engulf all of her. She shook her head at the thought, secretly hoping he wouldn't notice then twisted her body and swiftly turned around behind his back, so she wasn't imprisoned between him and the wall anymore. "I said no!"

"Then why are you telling me these?" Ben shrugged reluctantly.

"You know what? I don't know maybe it has something to do with the fact that you randomly pop up when I need most need someone to talk to –" She covered her mouth, not believing she was actually speaking her mind," But… even when you're here… I mean…" She pointed at him, up and down. " Look at you… would you take a look at yourself?"

"What? " For a moment Ben looked genuinely confused, looking down at himself, he was wearing clothes this time, of course,  _there wasn't anything_ _out of the ordinary right?_

"You're tall and broad…"  _She didn't know what was wrong with her._  " Like how can you be so tall? Is this I don't know some kind of a dark side thing? And… and—" Nervous from his open glance, she folded her arms across her chest. Her eyes skidded away. " It's complicated."

 _Oh, Maker_ , this was where he would mock and tease her, wasn't it? She wanted to cover her face in embarrassment but somehow that was even worse. For once, however, the melancholy shadow of a smile passed over his face but it vanished as soon as it appeared and he nodded slowly, "I understand."

She felt a pang and her eyes widened. He actually listened and even though they were connected by something beyond her understanding and she thought it wasn't possible for him to surprise her anymore, he did. She watched him turn around then, at first she thought he was trying to hide but after a while, he turned and there was something in his hand, a small metal container, smaller than hers and much more practical.

"This'll be enough, you're just going to a need three resistors and two electrolytic capacitors." When Rey only nodded in response, Ben swallowed, asking skeptically, "You know how to make a breadboard circuit, right?"

"Yeah."

"Of course," He worked his jaw, glancing, putting his finger on the metal tube in his hand. " You have to place the crystal in the middle." Then offered it to her and she glanced down at his hand extended. He wasn't wearing his usual black gloves, which made her chest warm and slightly happy. Her eyes shifted to his.

"Why are you doing this?" She couldn't help but ask, they were still on two opposite sides, they were enemies.

He looked at her for a long time with curious eyes, before tilting his head," Doing what?"

"Helping me." Why was she ranting to him instead of Finn or Poe or even General Leia, she chose him to talk to, to get frustrated at and to feel all these emotions she didn't understand.

"You said it yourself." This time she noticed him smiling. It was sad, it was real. "It's complicated."

She reached up this time, their fingers brushed as she broke into a warm joyful grin. "Thank you."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Ch04** _

Nightmares were frequent and dreams came rare. Since Kylo had become the Supreme Leader, he chose not to sleep much at all, not that he was worried about Hux's usual malicious glances and how the young general was constantly thinking about ways to betray and possibly murder Kylo in his sleep. He just didn't want to deal with his unconsciousness. Tonight, however, he had another reason for his insomnia.

Tossing and turning in his king-sized bed as per usual, Kylo couldn't get her out of his head. On one hand, he was mortified that things had got so out of control, he wasn't supposed to feel this way, this girl… this nobody scavenger…  _Rey_ … was weakening him, the Supreme Leader of the First Order, but on the other hand… he realized with shame that he had been acting so different when she was around. He tried to replay the events of the other day and particularly the last couple of seconds in his mind, he yearned for her touch. Just a brush of the fingers wasn't enough, he wanted more. He needed more so he could understand what was going on but—

 _No._  He tried to brush away the regret he'd been feeling since what happened in the throne room. At first, he was just angry, feeling betrayed because she seemed like everyone else, abandoning him, stabbing him in the back but then she was there again. With her peace aura and calmness. She was his opposite polar, a dangerous polar that would drew him, waking something long forgotten in his heart and soul.  _Dangerous._  He repeated in his head, she was dangerous.  _A true enemy indeed._  But why then he felt so peaceful and safe whenever she was around? He couldn't resist her. The glint in her eyes and the smile on her lips-

The tension knotted in Kylo's gut as he jolted upright, looking over at his side he saw a small, sleeping form, snoring softly.

He instantly jumped to his feet, climbing out of the bed immediately feeling embarrassed and secretly thanking the  _Stars_  for her not being awake to see the sudden nervousness in him. He swallowed thickly, the Force hadn't had woken her yet but that was good. He could study her more like this and not to be worried about her watching his weaknesses. He rounded the bed and stood above her, her face was innocent and peaceful, strands of her on her eyelashes and nose. He smiled faintly, sitting on the floor and wrapping his arms around his knees and watched her pensively. He might never get another chance to do this; this thought pained his heart and it felt so physical he actually had to raise his hand to claw at his chest. In that very moment a sudden question haunt his mind,  _he was going to eventually kill her, didn't he?_ But…

"How can I?" He was the Jedi killer and she was the Last Jedi and here he was sitting miserably in front of her thinking how unable he truly was.

He waited a moment longer before she suddenly let out a deep breath, her eyelashes fluttering open, reminding him of the dream he had, he didn't get up… dragging himself away from the bed and her, looking for something to make it seem like he was already occupied—

"Ben?" She sounded more amused than shocked or scared but she was tired he could see it in her eyes. She slowly pushed the blanket away, wearing only a loose gray shirt with warm leggings. She rubbed her eyes. "The Force has a bad sense of humor I guess." Kylo took a quick glance at her, not realizing it lasted much more than he anticipated, Rey, however, must have taken it as a sign of his confusion, because she waved a hand, smiling weakly, " Bad timing."

"Yeah," Kylo knew he was everything but timid but there was something about the way she looked tonight that he couldn't look straight into her eyes and all of a sudden he felt like a little boy, scaring his crush would know. Not that he had a crush on Rey,  _no!_  That was stupid but the little voice at the back of his head wouldn't shut up and it belonged to his father, Han, saying "  _Women always figure out the truth."_

"Okay, I know I can't sleep like this so," He never expected her to climb out of the bed and sit cross-legged in front of him but oh boy wasn't she full of surprises, she pushed her hair behind her ear, mumbling." Now what?"

"I don't know." He simply shrugged, glancing up for the first time only to see her frowning as if she was deep in thought.

"Should we—" She held a finger to her chin, cocking her head to the said. "Talk about our mistakes and accusing each other of going down a path which none of us really approves?"

Kylo found himself chuckling at that, the fact that she used "Our" as in she wasn't so sure about the path she had taken too, warmed his heart. They were truly alike, yet so different. "I don't think that's a good idea." He answered light-heartedly which she nodded in agreement.

"Okay then." Once again her eyes fixed on his but Kylo could tell that her mind was elsewhere, he wished he could read her thoughts, not that he couldn't but he knew she'll sense him and then he'd break that little trust that had been built between them and he didn't want that. For once in his life, Kylo actually cared. He wanted to suggest fixing the rest of the Lightsaber before her face lightened up as if she just found a solution for the most difficult problem in the galaxy, " How about meditating?"

Kylo just had to raise a brow at that, "Meditating?" he mused.

"That is the only way we can spend time without arguing, "She shrugged, moving a little to find her perfect posture, grunting, "Because honestly now I'm not in the mood to talk."

He was happy she'd say that. He didn't feel like talking as well; otherwise, their conversation would be either angry or awkward. "Yeah, me too."

"Alright, I've done it once, back in Ahch-To," Rey took a narrowed look at Kylo, sighing." I'm not sure how to do that again."

"You want me to teac—" He stopped midsentence, looking at a deep scowl on her delicate face, he let out a deep break, shaking his head, almost laughing. "Okay... I'll show you."

"Thanks." She seemed content, closing her eyes and taking several deep breaths. Kylo watched her before saying anything. He said that he would show her but in all reality, he'd forgotten how it was like to meditate without the Dark Side interfering. It had been so long ago when he touched and felt the Light and even then, it would hurt him. Deep down he somehow knew, he wasn't meant to stay on one side for long, they would both consume him.

"I'm ready," She said, a faint smile on her face. As much as he enjoyed watching her like this, he knew he had to try and find his way back to the Force, finding something peaceful… something like  _a Balance._

"Take a deep breath," He whispered and she obeyed waiting eagerly for him to join her and with that he closed his eyes, drawing in deep breaths, trying to reach out with his feelings.

Unenclosed land covered with green grass. About a mile in front of the Meadowlands was the edge of the great forest before the walls of a golden palace. The land was surrounded with azure blue color waterfalls and it embraced two sides of everything. Sun rising over the mountains in the distance, warmth rising and heating the cold water. A hint of light on the horizon, streaks of shimmering white light adoring the sky. Dancing leaves of trees mirroring in the rocks of the water running in creeks. Waterfalls tumbling from hills and boulders and unlimited flow of energy soars into his soul.  _Their souls._

 _Silence_ … butterflies and bees add brilliant color to the hues of blooming flowers. Birds chirping, bullfrogs croaking and the light rustle of the trees dancing to the hum of nature.

Chaos, peace… Dark roaming in corners, Light murmuring endearing terms… but between all that… a  _Balance._

 _Laughing._ Two souls, two people… a girl, a young woman dressed in a golden elegant dress, wearing a crown, her curly brown hair dancing in the wind, smiling beautifully, blushing innocently. A boy, a young man dressed in a brown and grey robe, strands of his light brown hair braided into a traditional Jedi student design, laughing without a care, fingers brushing over the girl's delicate features, whispering sweetness in her ears, smelling her hair.

A  _Balance_ … a  _Love._

It didn't last long, not more than a minute, seconds perhaps but it felt like a lifetime, Kylo knew that place, had never been there but had heard of it…  _Naboo_ , where it all began. His eyes fluttered open only to see Rey's glassy light brown eyes. A tear spilled on her cheek and she moved her lips almost choking, "I… saw that." She whispered and once again Kylo was reminded of the night they touched hands.

 _He had to know._  That was why he was the one this time, initiating the move and extending his hand, she didn't hesitate, grabbing his hand lightly. Their touch so strong that they were overwhelmed by the feeling, by the vision they were seeing. Kylo didn't want to let go. His long fingers intertwined with hers, the softness of her skin comforted him. He moved his fingers along inside of her wrist, enjoying her reaction to his touch. She stared up at him with realization, and it hurt, it hurt to see it all and still not being aware of fate had in store for them and

_why?_

For now though, Kylo wanted to relish the moment she was here, with him. His training never allowed him to be with a woman before, let alone someone who mattered to him. Despite the lies he told himself, Rey mattered. He wouldn't bother to deny, not now.

Slowly he closed the space between them, burning with desire, he could resist no more. He leaned forward, not caring if he knew what he was doing, he trusted his instincts, keeping his lips as gentle as he could on hers. She tasted so sweet, so good. He beat back the thought that he didn't deserve her. For good or bad, she was his, at least for the moment.

He kept the kiss slow and easy, not wanting to overpower her with his own desire and need. He wanted this night to last, to draw out the pleasure for both of them. That way he didn't have to be worried about dark or light, the first order or the resistance. He only drew back, when he felt she needed a break, staring into her eyes as she drew a shaky breath, her face now wet with tears.

And in a blink of an eye, she wasn't there anymore and he was left alone once more. That was when he felt a sting in his eyes, something he'd long forgotten. He sniffed hard, glancing around the empty room and then felt hot tears going down his face. He'd promised to destroy her and now… now she was destroying him. She was destroying Kylo Ren without trying, without even wielding a Lightsaber.  _How dare she?_

_Who was she?_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Ch05 (Final Chapter)** _

The activator that she was attaching to the modulation circuit, wasn't quite new but still in a good shape. She asked Finn the other day, to find her one in the armory of their new base on Yavin. The fixing process was going to eventually finish, Rey knew still though she tried to postpone it, overdoing things multiple times, cleaning the breadboard, screwing and unscrewing parts… she didn't want it to finish. If it ever was going to finish that meant that she was ready and Stars knew she was everything but ready.

The recent visions of her future, _their_  future, would never leave her. She wished she could talk to someone about them. Someone… anyone but Ben, even though no one could truly understand. It wasn't like that she didn't know what to do; the truth was that she didn't know if she could do it again. The more she thought about, however, the more she'd realize with a mixture of horror and delight that she couldn't stop caring for Ben. And she had been trying to ignore it.  _What was the point now?_  The emotions were there, and they weren't going away anytime soon, if not ever with the force bond constantly connecting them through emotions and thoughts.

She wanted to do something but she was held back by the thought of Ben disappointing her again. Giving him another chance meant taking another plunge of faith, it meant trusting him again. Rey didn't know if she was ready to do that. Slowly, she reached up and touched her lips and as she did, some kind of warmth came to her, rising inside like a fountain. The kiss… it was sudden, it was unexpected and she was stirred and wondered what she'd do the next time she saw him.

 _He is the enemy Rey, don't forget that._ She kept telling herself that he was Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order but at the same time he wasn't. She angrily brushed away a tear at the edge of her eye, wishing the force bond never existed. It was such a simple thought to wish that she'd never know the story of the conflicted Ben Solo who had to turn into a monster to survive. It was similar to hers, the feeling of loneliness and abandonment that he felt and she couldn't help but to wonder would she do the same if she were in his place?

The emitter matrix shone brightly in her hand, meaning that the Saberstaff was completed. She drew in a shaky breath, her heart aching as she looked up at Yavin's night sky. That was it. She closed her eyes, her finger hovering over the ON switch as an echo tapped her mind.

"It's ready," She said coldly not having to look up to see Ben standing there not too far.

"You fixed it." He replied, his voice gentle and soothing. She hated that. Mixed feelings suddenly surged through her. A part of her wanted him, wanted him to be close to her, not through the force bond, not light years away, but here next to her. Another part fought with her though, trying to make her remember of a monster he was, of how impossible it could be to be with someone like him—

"No, we did." She finally answered gravely, glancing up to see him not too close either. Not moving, not even staring, like he was only vaguely there, not really, not entirely. She waited for his reaction but none came.

Kylo watched her slowly standing up, he wished she would stay where she was. He wasn't sure what he would do if she got any closer. It was all surreal. He didn't want to see her again... he died to see her again to be able to take her hand again… his heart was tearing in two. He looked away. His voice cracking. " This force bond… should have ended with Snoke's death. "

"Maybe it never was Snoke." Her voice came like a breeze, cool and pleasant. Kylo knew of many ways that would block her thoughts and emotions from invading his all the time but he didn't know if he had the courage to do that, to let her go completely.

"What are we going to do now?" He asked reluctantly, his voice dull this time, devoid of emotions as Rey's eyes wandered back to the newly fixed Saberstaff. _What were they going to do?_  fight like nothing had changed, stick with whatever they believed and die protecting that or to bend and try to change things? She wished she had an answer.

Instead, she extended her hand, bringing the Lightsaber to him, her gaze wavering as she blinked away the tears. "This is yours. Take it. "

Kylo froze. He'd been looking for this saber the entire time after what happened with Luke in that temple, he'd lost it and when eventually found it, it was stuck to this girl. This girl from Jakku who was nothing but a scavenger but everything to him at the same time. He was fascinated the first time she called the saber and it came to her without much effort, he wanted to know more about her, to explore her mind so he could find some relief into knowing that he wasn't the only one who was abandoned and unloved … He didn't think this would happen then.

His eyes shifted to the Saberstaff, he wanted it before. It belonged to the Skywalkers, it mattered before to him but now... not so much. " You know it's not mine." He shook his head, working his jaw, taking a step back as it was a flame and he'd burn himself if he'd ever touch it. "I don't deserve it. "

"Then it was pointless to fix it!" Rey shouted, tears spilling down her cheeks as her throat tightened. " I know I'm not going to use it. " She managed with a lower voice; a calmer tone still broke and chopped. "Not against you." She breathed, wiping the tears with the back of her hand and taking a deep breath.

"Why not?" Kylo croaked and saw her becoming red in what seemed like fury.

Rey's fingers clenching at her side and around the metallic halt, she gritted. "You know why."

"I killed those Padawans," Rey's eyes widened at that, this was the first time Kylo… no… Ben confessed to his crimes and this was the first time she didn't want to hear that but he might have sensed it because he didn't stop, glaring at her with glittering eyes. " I destroyed Luke's temple… I brought destruction to all" The muscles in his jaw constricted, "I don't want your pity!" He trembled, his feature now harsher than Jakku.

Rey's heartbeat quickened. A dark flash of anger passing her eyes, her fingers ready to ignite the Saberstaff before recognition dawned on her and she realized what he was doing. " I…" She shook her head, trying to calm her heart. " I don't pity you. "

Kylo's eyes widened momentarily before shouting, " I killed Han Solo!" That jolted her, Rey stared into his eyes but Kylo couldn't keep the gaze, he cast down his eyes. " My own father… " His next words were weak and full of regret as he tried to regain his authority over her, " I can't be forgiven or redeemed… I am monster. "

Rey saw that could perfectly feel his regret and sorrow and it was all too strong she could barely hold on. She wondered if someone could bleed from this spiritual wound, Ben could've died by now. She was careful then, walking to him to close their distance. "Kylo Ren is a monster." Her voice like a mother's scold, kind and full of empathy but still harsh.

"I am Kylo Ren."

"Are you?"

There was then silent and grief with eyes downcast. The profound sense of these words was clear to them both. Kylo tried to control himself. It was as if the ground were swimming beneath his feet but Rey was the one who broke the silence.

"What you've done in the past is unforgiveable and monstrous—" She understood now that she needed to say it out loud so she could accept the truth then she could face her feelings, " But what are you going to do now? Will you still let your anger and hatred control you? Or will you stand up and fight for what you love and care because Ben, " Hearing his real name, had never been this strong to Ben Solo as he looked up, eyes not clouded with anger or even regret but sad, soft eyes that belonged to a boy, beaten and unforgotten for years and years of running away and fighting who he really was inside. Rey was there now, so close, fingertips, cool and warm at the same time, lightly on his cheek, tracing down his jawline. "You're the only one who can save yourself. "

He grabbed her hand then, not harsh or resentful but gentle however tight despite the burning sensation. " In those visions… you were there with me, did you see that?" He asked unsure, even though he could still peek in her mind but he wanted her to say it, it sounded closer to his reality.

"Yes."

"But you never turned. " This had happened before and it destroyed him to see it again, that there was no turning, no switching sides.

"You didn't either." Rey nodded as Ben's hand suddenly let go of hers. He knew now.  _Stars_ , he'd known this for so long yet he understood it only now.

"This was never about choosing a side Rey—"He regarded her as he stood dazed, unshed tears flooding in his eyes. "You think you have found your belonging with the Resistance but you still feel lost," It hurt but he was telling the truth, nothing had changed, she still felt lost and lonely whenever Ben wasn't there. She bit down a tear though, not looking away. " I don't ask you to join me, " Ben continued, " Not again because I know your answer hasn't changed."

"You're not coming with me either, " was all Rey managed to say in a whisper to get her voice under control, " What do you ask of me?"

For the first time, Ben's tensed muscle loosened. He knew what had to be done and for that, he let a small smile crawl on his lips. "We're going to fight the whole galaxy now, aren't we? " As if reading his mind, Rey allowed herself to relax too. Ben's expression wasn't cold or distant anymore; it reflected more of his previous self. He'd been gentle and caring at some point and it was good to see all of that on his face. No pain, no sorrow. " I wish it were easy."

 _Nothing ever was._ Rey wanted to say but instead raised the Saberstaff, this time asking Ben telepathically to come closer and as he did, she finally felt it, his light. The light that was shining through the deep cracks within his soul, it was weak but it was then and it embraced her, soothed her, whispered encouraging terms in her ears.

" My power is yours." Rey prompted.

Ben Solo raised his hand too and put it on the saber, letting her darkness as little as it was still though rough and cold and surprisingly gentle all together wash over him. "And mine yours." he answered, " Don't ever let go."

"I won't."

Only an hour ago the blackness was absolute, but now the mist was visible and silvery as sunrays shone through the lone silhouettes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate any final thought guys! 
> 
> Thank you for reading,
> 
> -Bella

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So listen I'm not an expert in making a lightsaber, okay? So I just looked into wikipedia and added a bunch of info I don't even know what it is.
> 
> This process of making a lightsaber is still going on, so please tune in lol.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, favorite and follow and review
> 
> See you around,
> 
> Cheers,
> 
> Bella


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